——Merely thinking of my old boyfriend or seeing his photograph could bring back intimations of the swept-away feelings of my youth. Talking to him on the phone before the trip was like time travel –I was instantly a 20 year-old year feeling the full force of all those long-ago yearnings. At the same time, I remained the sober, observing 65 year-old, listening to a voice on the phone that, after 45 more years of smoking, sounded its chronologic age.

Despite the passion and romance of our affair, it ended without drama. Did we ever say good-bye? He graduated and simply returned to Germany. There was no heart-ache, no what-ifs. It was as though a TV series had come to an end, and the channel changed. We didn’t try to stay in touch and never saw or talked to one another again, although he maintained an apartment in New York City, not far from the hotel where I always stay, something I knew through a mutual friend. The feelings aroused by our meeting were largely irrational. Although I knew little of his adult life and only met his wife and visited his home that one time, I felt as though I knew him utterly and could say anything at all to him. He held a unique place in my old-love memory bank, and it turned out that I held a similar place in his. At the same time, I am not sure that I actually liked the grown man who still evoked such powerful feelings.

I am working on an essay about reconnecting with a first love and would very much like to hear others’ experiences.

topics: family